Maybe I'm not ready. I'm not ready for the pain. Yes, I wish you could realize how much it hurts talking to you. So many times I've dreamed of being there. In my dreams I tell you I have dreamed about being there. Isn't it funny? In a sad-funny way? When I wake up, it's a burden to put a smile on my face and go on with life. I didn't know it was going to be like this. You're life is changing. You're all getting married, having babies, graduating, and even breaking up old relationships. My life has also changed. What hurts me is not being there. With my nephews, my nieces, or hugging you, lecturing you, whipping off your tears. It hurts the feeling that we are an ocean apart. And we are. I have been a bad friend. I hadn't call, I hadn't messaged you back. I know that. It bothers me everyday. I just wish you could understand I don't get in touch because it hurts. I'm weak. I miss you so much.
"I had not known before
Forever was such a long word
The slow stroke of the clock of time
I had not heard.
It's hard to learn so late
It seams no sad heart really learns
But hopes and trusts and doubts and fears
And bleed and burns
The night is not all dark
Nor is the day all it seems
But each may bring me this relief -
My dreams and dreams
I had not known before
That never as so sad a word
So wrap me in forgetfulness -
I have not heard."
(It has been 30 months. how long more will it take? can I have hope still? or will this last forever?)
